No Reprieve for the Infirm

Is there anything that blows more than being sick as an adult? 

On the home front, there are endless meals to be prepared and cleaned up, things to be fixed, stories to be read, fights to be broken up, the endless social calendar algorithm to be negotiated.  I can almost forgive my wife for eyeing me with thinly veiled disdain (and every dad knows verbatim that “no sniffle you have compares to 10 months of being p

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regnant”). It reminds me of my high school football coach who would blame every loss on the fact that the “walking wounded” didn’t prepare enough in the offseason to avoid getting hurt and couldn’t play in games. In public (I am currently on a plane) you can feel the hostile glances as you cough and sneeze into your elbow. I actually thought the automaton at the security line might call me out as a possible H1N1 quarantine candidate, until I realized she was much more concerned that her replacement was late returning from a break than actually detecting any public threat (must have only been a Level Mauve security day). And finally at work, particularly for the quota carrying salesperson, the ever increasing work pile yields to no personal affliction.

The entire corporate world is prejudiced against the ill. People that are “out sick” are always under immediate suspicion, as if all maladies were self inflicted like the “Irish Flu” or a social disease. I’m no better; I proudly state that I never missed work when I was in sales due to illness--meaning I showed my diseased face around one lap of the office, made a couple vital calls, and split, but then tacked all sick days off onto vacations or weekends. Like most Silicon Valley work camps, Jigsaw doesn’t even have sick days- you simply have a 15 days of personal time off (PTO). If you get mono? Too bad! No vacations for your family for a couple years. That’ll teach you to get yourself sick.

My point? I’m sick right now and I have to still be on a flight to some conference and write this blog and deal with hundreds of member issues and still keep my deals moving. I’m going to let my 5 year old copy this blog in the journal that we make him write in every time he says “No Fair.”

No, not really. As a companion piece to my hangover cures, I’m going to impart some of the (legal) remedies that have pulled me out of bed and got me up in front of clients for years now.

8. Sleep. Usually it is a lack of sleep that has at least contributed to you catching the latest bug, so prioritize what needs to get done and deal with it, then pick your favorite knockout drug and sleep like a high school kid.

7. Sweat. If you don’t have time to sleep (I’m sure 97% of you skipped over item 10), then hit the trail, pump iron, work the thighmaster- -whatever gets you going. If you can’t physically move, then find a sauna, steam room, or furnace closet. Try the conference room where all the engineers have “meetings.” I don’t care what the warnings say- -sweating works.

6. Take a shower. Even if it is your third one today (this week).

5. Drink Ginger Ale. Sprite isn’t the same. Supposedly there is something in ginger that settles your stomach, but I seriously doubt that Schweppes is putting enough root in there to do much. It might just be a placebo that stimulates memories from being sick as a kid.

4. Shut up. Many times the first thing to go for me when I catch even a slight cold is my voice, and there is nothing to bring back the audio portion of the Garth circus but silence. There used to nothing more useless than a sales guy that couldn’t talk, but thankfully we now have email, IM and texting!

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3. Alka Seltzer. There is a reason that they haven’t updated their brand since 1950, yet they stay in one of the most competitive businesses out there. Fizzing up the chemicals that fight cold and flu symptoms makes them work better.

2. Speed it up. Ephedrine used to be as close as the nearest packie store, but the meth nation ruined it for everyone. Allergy medicines like Claritin (you have to get behind the counter for the good stuff) can resuscitate your body enough to get you through a presentation or two. But you better not apply the defibrillator more than once (Clear!), though, or you will start sounding “like Pookie in New Jack.”

1. Test and Invest. Everybody has their own remedies, because they think that they felt better after taking them. I chalk this up to the power of the mind (yes, I lived in CA for 15 years). Try everything and go back to what works for you.

Good luck getting back on your feet- because illness symptoms are like dreams, everyone has ‘em from time to time, but no one wants to hear about somebody else’s.