You Know?

You know what? You probably, um…you know… sound like an idiot!

Now that I’m working from my guest bedroom, without the perk of a (relatively) soundproof office, it means that for the first time since Jigsaw’s inception that my conversations can be overheard.  Don’t get me wrong- my family would rather listen to Urkel sing falsetto than pay attention to my business yip-yap all day. Nevertheless my wife has caught snippets of my prattle and couldn’t help but notice that particularly when speaking formally that I say “you know” practically every other word. I’ve been trying to eradicate this amazingly sticky expression from my vocabulary (it is hard!) and unfortunately I now notice it in everyone else, too.

Y’know is one of several filler words or syllables known (to linguistics dorks only, I’m sure) as discourse markers. Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Discourse_marker) – where all internet info junkies hang out - aptly defines them as “a word or phrase that is relatively syntax-independent, does not have a particular grammatical function, does not change the meaning of the utterance, and has a somewhat empty meaning.” I found other descriptions of these diction hiccups as making a connection between what you are saying and yourself or the listener, serving as a marker for emphasis, changing the topic of a conversation, serving as a pause and a few other high-brow excuses, but if you ask me they are just nervous ticks in conversation. And like all mannerisms they can at best slightly distract the observer or at worst make him want to crawl out of his skin.

Before you take yourself out to the woodshed of self-guilt and loathing (I had to move back east to get a bigger space for mine), realize that everyone talks like this. I found stats that upwards of 20% of words communicated in all languages, across all age groups and education levels are of the “um, you know, er, OK, I mean, like, ah” variety. I watch a lot of ESPN - which may be why I chose “you know” - but I’m not alone. Caroline Kennedy lost a shoo-in senate seat by saying the same thing 46 times in a 5-minute interview on television.  Maybe it’s just because of the slower, more accented speech, but Southerners seem to say “you know” more, too.  (Input NASCAR joke here, hah hah - that’s so original, you’re so, you know, hilarious!)

Some of my favorite corporate speak bingo terms have become so prevalent that they are actually discourse markers. The most dangerous examples are so distorted in usage that they actually can anger (or at least confuse) the listener.

1. “At the end of the day, a happy customer is the most important thing.” Shouldn’t you start making your customer happy first thing?  

2. “Basically, it’s a question of metaphysical proportionality.” What’s so basic about that- you arrogant a-hole?

3. “Again, I’m here to introduce your new comp plan.” That’s the first sentence you said, Mr. New Guy Sales Manager, so the “again” part makes you sound like you’re scolding us to listen, douche bag.

If you are in sales, you might want to take a look (or a listen) at what repetitive verbal ruts you may have fallen into lately. I guarantee you will find something that weakens your presentation.

You know what I’m saying?