Let’s take a Human Resources Vacation!

Cover of Baby: An Owner's Manual

I know that the next Garth’s World post is supposed to be the continuation of the perfect inside salesperson profile, but I can write about that anytime.* Instead I’m going to share with you an email that I sent out to a bunch of people in my company in response to a note from our HR Manager announcing that she is out of the office having a baby as of last Friday.

Dear (HR Manager),

Congratulations again on the upcoming addition to your family. Please don’t worry about anything at work while you are gone. As co-founder I will make sure that our two offices run like clockwork from an HR perspective while you are gone. I’ve already thought of a ton of ideas, including:

• Today (St. Paddy’s) we turned the office into a local radio station- we’re podcasting live as we dye the carpets green,  swill Guinness,  and vote for our favorite Leprechaun from a bunch of little people that we hired off Craigslist.
• In addition to several NCAA style pools, I will run a revolving contest  on the corporate website for every sporting event (sporting=anything I find bet worthy - what date and time your baby arrives, next girl to get pregnant, who will marry next, who will be fired next, who is secretly gay, etc).
• Every Friday: Poker with hard booze at 4 sharp- last man (only) standing is literally the last man standing
• Fowler (Jigsaw CEO) speaks his mind to all new recruits and hires with regard to their: racial background, political views, religious and dating preferences
• During the interoffice video conference for company meetings everyone in our Idaho office will vote for their favorite ethnic look from the San Mateo (CA) office. We’ll in turn vote on our favorite portly white man with a goatee from the Idaho office.
  
• The Jigsaw ADP application will get a well deserved break from its mid 20^th century functionality while we compute fractions of PTO days on the white board in the kitchen. (Like ADP we won’t be able to print the remaining balance on our paychecks)
• All the forms and systems that you have in place for the orderly interview and follow-up with candidates will be suspended in favor of the fraternity system from my college days. Everyone comes as a group to Friday afternoon beer bashes where we take pictures and rate them as to how they fit from a “personality” perspective. Then we have a slide show of all the recruits and throw beer bottles at the ones who won’t be getting hired.
• For complaint resolution the VP’s will draw straws and on a revolving basis each week and that person will have “Judge Jenny” powers to hear public (televised, if possible) disputes. We reserve the right to make a ruling before any testimony based solely on the person lodging the complaint.
• Your office will be cleaned out and returned to its former use- Foosball!

Have a great time with your baby and don’t worry about us!

Garth

*This has nothing to do with the fact that the NCAA tournament is coming up and my first 2 drafts are about as entertaining as reading any data dinosaur corporate blog- “good sales people have passion, I love cold calling, let’s all be hunters, blah bleh blah”